The May Issue, Not Fun.

night of 5/1:
well it all started on friday night when i wanted someone to come to my track meet. preferably my mom or dad would have been nice. brent wasn't able to come, and i understand why he cant come, but my parents? they were "tired" & "busy." so i got my sister to come for 3 hours which made me feel better. she bought me the shirt from this years track meet and i was all happy. well, i get back to the school, no one is there to get me. not to mention it is also 10:30 at night. at first i was thinking, "okay, maybe she's running a little late or something." i keep calling the house to a total of 4 times...no answer. called her cell phone at least 3 times. then i completely forgot my purse was in my locker...i walk over to the school the fucking school was locked. i said, "fucking a!" i turn around and some of the girls are just staring at me and they go about to their waiting of rides. so then i sit on the curb just wondering what i'm going to do. everyone is gone and i call my dads "other" cell phone (the one he uses for family and most likely his whore). he doesn't answer. called his work phone and picks up.
"what do you need carlee?"
"i need a ride..."
"oh well why didn't you call my "other" phone?"
"dad, i did, you didn't answer..."
"are you sure? i have it right here in my pocket and it didn't ring..."
"yeah i'm sure, can you just pick me up from the school or not?"
"yeah yeah of course, what side?" (& the conversation ended with me telling him what side of the school i was on.)

morning/afternoon of 5/2:
i wake up around 5:30am remembering that my admission ticket for the SAT's was in my purse...which is in my locker, locked away in school. i fell back asleep until about 6:30am and got up and called my dad. i don't have a printer, & brents printer sucks...my last hope was the bus garage's printer. so my dad comes to get me and i'm trying to hurry up. my plan was to eat breakfast sometime this morning. finally i print my ticket, hurry back to my house, eat my breakfast, & brent picks me up to go to Vineland. SAT's were a dragged on 3 hours & 45 minutes. on my way home my plans with brent got scrambled but we worked them out. then me and my mom took a drive to look at houses in rich developments and make fun of how ugly they look (that is part of our "bonding"). it was fun until i saw one of the houses that a fellow classmate of mine lives in. i started to think about how it really sucks to live where i'm at right now, and how shitty my moms job is. it really depressed me that i cant have the nice things in life like a lot of people do.

night of 5/2:
this definitely helped me out. i went over to my boyfriend's house and he invited over like six of his friends to come hang out. what made it interesting was the fact that his parents weren't there in the beginning so we had freedom to do what we wanted, and that 3 of his friends were playing guitars singing to one of the guys playing. they were basically singing about how his girl is at college and he has major blue balls, haha. his friend louis stated the atmosphere of my boyfriend's house: "you know this is what it's going to be like in your apartment like 10 years from now, but you'll be making spaghetti instead of mac & cheese for us." so once his parents got home we helped out with groceries, i fed his baby brother, and we all went downstairs. it took us at least a half hour to figure out what movie to watch. we finally decided on Saw IV. it was gruesome, yet i couldn't look away. by the time that was over it was about quarter to 9 pm. everyone except brent and i went into brent's room. brent and i laid on the couch practically falling asleep. everyone left around 10:30 except me. i stayed and we watched some comedy central and ate popcorn & pop-tarts. i finally went home around 11pm. tonight made me more relaxed. i guess hanging out in this stupid trailer was getting to me. i'm glad i got to get out of it for awhile. BUT i have to get up tomorrow to go to work at 11:30am, woohoo. :p

So I...

absolutely love drawing and this is my latest effort. :)




<--- The picture I looked at.





My version.

Fam[ily] <--- NOT.

All I wanted in my life was to have a family that stuck together through thick & thin, but what did I get? I got parents who barely talked to one another and eventually that led to secrets rising to the surface. The ice broke. My heart broke. I could see the simple conclusion, but they made everything even more complicated with their thoughtless decisions. A Father shouldn't be your "friend." He should be the one not allowing you to date a boy because he has a mysterious vibe. A Mother shouldn't be so depressed. She should be out with her friends feeling like a teenager again doing the things she loves to do. Yet when you're that closed minded, you forget the things you love.

All I wanted in my life were siblings to make fun of or argue with. I wanted the experience you saw on t.v. I had a sister who moved out before I could even know she ever lived under the same roof as I. I had another sister who was basically my baby-sitter and was 12 years older than I. I had a brother whom was 4 years older than I. I barely saw him, only on weekends when he visited my Dad. He then would go back to his home with his real Mom. They are all so far away now. I see them every so often, but I wish that I could rewind time and be with all 3 of them for every holiday. If a storm scared me I could have crawled into bed with one of my sisters. Wishing for closeness is kind of out of reach now. Since we all are grown old enough to have our own lives.


I know this isn't the worst scenario of a broken family, I am not trying to be selfish. It's just my view on what I wished my family wasn't like.

My Artwork.

Well I had a deadline for my Teen Arts submission, and I made the deadline, sent my stuff in, but I didn't win anything. I put so much effort into my pieces and I changed my ideas like 24068702576 times. I took my one piece and entered it into another showcase that I could have attended today, but I'm too sick to go anywhere. Here are the two pieces I submitted:


I entered this to Teen Arts. I called it "Fish With Feet." Haha.



I entered this to both Teen Arts & the YAM Showcase. My cellphone made the lighting darker than it should be. My teacher helped me think of the name, "Face of Hope."

B.M.D. <3

I know I write about my boyfriend a lot, but I can't help it. :) This weekend he has been there for me. I came down with a stupid cold, and even though on Friday he couldn't see me...he was with me all day Saturday. He was putting cold washcloths on my forehead for me, gave me medicine, & even gave me a foot massage, haha. Today though I wrote something special for him and everyone who wants to read it:


2007


2009

Just think in 2006 you & me were two young kids that didn’t know what was coming at us. Once getting involved with each other’s hearts, we couldn’t let go. Ever since that first glimpse of the future I saw in your eyes, I’ve loved you. At first we knew nothing about one another. Sure, we made stupid mistakes in the beginning, but that’s how we grew together. And I know for a fact I made the bigger mistake in our relationship. Freshman year we went through too much to name. I didn’t start saying I love you to you until I knew that you loved me back. Actually I remember that conversation. It was on Thanksgiving when you first said, “ I Love You,” to me. My memories are so vivid; I wish I could put them into a movie for you just so you could understand. I know I hurt you; I want to make it up to you no matter what you say. Everyday of my life I will tell you I love you and how much you mean to me. In 2007 being without you was definitely the punishment I deserved. I wasn’t myself that year at all. I tried finding you in every guy I came across, but it wasn’t you. Not even close to being anything like you. In the back of my mind you sat. I heard your voice every time I was upset. I had hope that there was still some connection. Every one told me to move on. Chelsea tried helping me, but I wouldn’t give up. Without you there was a huge part of me missing. I would be happy at times, but eventually that would fade and I would need something else to distract my emptiness. That’s probably why I went out with a different guy every month sophomore year. I couldn’t make up my mind; I couldn’t find you. I thought you hated me to no end, I remember you saying you never wanted me back. I pushed those words away as far as I could to keep my hopes up. Then by the time 2008 summer came, my life was falling apart. Friends & family were slipping away and breaking apart. Summer was preoccupied with crying and wishing things never happened. I had to find some type of sanctuary. I got a hold of you. I called you on August 1st, 2008. We talked all night; I was crying that night with tears of guilt, relief, & happiness. I couldn’t sleep after that. I was too awed by the fact that I had a conversation with you, and my question of whether or not you hated me was answered. You didn’t hate me, you were just angry, and I know I was too. The first few months of junior year you were skeptical about whether or not you should be with me again. My plan was for you to fall in love with me again. I had no doubt about it; I was just waiting for you to tell me. After your boggled mind decided, on October 25th, 2008, you were mine again. In my mind though, I was always yours. Now it’s 2009, and we’ve been through so much, but we have the rest of our lives to venture through more. <3

Snow Day!

Today I went to the local highway (Rt. 55) where on the sides people sled down because of the steepness, and channel 10 news was there recording live about the "nor' easter" that hit us last night. Brent and I went to the highway and it was way too windy, so I didn't sled. I was frozen. >.< His little brother and his friends were having a blast though. I finally decided to wait in the car. Once we got back to Brent's house, his Mum mum had what she calls "snacks" ready for us. Her idea of snacks are 3 different types of cake. I had a piece of chocolate raspberry cake, jewish apple pie, & a piece of cinnamon bun cake. Mmmmm. Not to mention, 2 hours later she made dinner. She is an amazing cook though! Once Brent & I went downstairs and relaxed by the fire for awhile, we went into his room and watched t.v. My Dad then called telling me he's coming to get me. Of course I got really bummed out by the fact that I had to go home. Brent cheered me up though. We played Simon says, but with kisses. He would kiss my nose then my cheeks or my ears. I was giggling like a baby. It was so cute. :) When he got the pattern wrong I would do the "uhhhnt!" sound the game makes. Haha. When I got back home about an hour or two later, my Mom's boss calls to say, "No school tomorrow, you can sleep in." So I texted all my friends telling them the news. :D Two days in a row of no school! Now I get to see Brent tomorrow as well. The only bad thing is that they are probably moving HSPA's around, ughhh. :p

Art 3.

I have been waiting for two years to get our sketchbooks. I was always so angry as a sophomore because the seniors always got sketchbooks, but there were never "enough" for us sophomores. Ugh, well that's the past. Anyway those came in today and I was SO ecstatic! Seriously, it's like my baby. Haha. The only thing that bugged me out was the fact that I could not find my book in the pile. Once the pile was gone, my sketchbook wasn't there! Obviously, I freaked out and my teacher put my name on a new one. About 10 minutes later one of my friends found it in the back of the classroom. The block before us put the names on the books, and the person who wrote my name I guess was not considerate enough to put mine in the pile up front. -.-

I'm about...

I'm about to stop updating, because it's like talking to a wall. You talk to the wall, but it won't talk back. You read the blog, but don't comment it.

Rent on Broadway Tour.

I don't have any pictures to put up yet, because Brent is lazy and won't get them to me until further notice. :p Anthony Rapp (Mark) & Adam Pascal (Roger) from the original cast were in the play I saw at NJPAC in Newark, N.J. They sound a little different, but I can understand, it has been 13 years since Rent has had its movie premiere. I wish I could have gotten some close up pictures, but my seat was in one of the many balconies. I got the cast at the very end...you can barely make out who's who though. :( It's my second time seeing Rent on stage and the first time was the best so far. Angel is such a hard role to fulfill. The first I saw Rent in Philly, Angel sounded incredible. Yet at NJPAC you could tell they lowered all his parts so he could be comfortable singing. I'm so excited to read Anthony Rapp's memoir that my sister bought me for christmas. Without You is basically Anthony Rapp telling his experience with being the role of Mark since Rent came out. Can't wait to read it, & put pictures on here! :)

All Respect is Lost.

My parents are the most fucked up people I know.

My Dad cheats on my Mom, and my Mom is a so dumb for believing ANYTHING he says. He is always over, when I honestly don't want to talk to him anymore. But I supposedly "have to" just because he is my father. I honestly wouldn't give two shits if he were the Pope, I've lost all respect for him. Practically every time i see him he cries because he misses me. Well that was HIS fucking fault now wasn't it? If he wasn't being a little prick saying, "I'm not happy with your mother, I'm seeing someone else..." then he wouldn't be in this predicament right now. For a fucking YEAR, he cheated on her. How the fuck could he look her in the eyes. Now he is trying to apologize even though the divorce papers are in the system [but not signed]. They need to get it done and over with.

Now my mother, such a wonderful person. She takes out her pissed off mood swings on me. I don't tell her much because of this. So today I'm upset because it feels like this place is jail & I can't get out. All my friends are always busy and it feels like no one except Brent makes time for me, or mentions the fact that they want to hang out with me. My friends hung out with me more when I was depressed and didn't know what to fucking do. Now that I'm happy I feel as if they're all avoiding me, or just not even realizing I'm still their friend. Well I tell my mom how I'm upset because SHE ASKED ME. I give her my response and she makes a little huff noise and a slight hmph/ha. I ask her what the little noise was for, she says to me ,"You're acting like it's a tragedy. I don't know what to say. If I were in your predicament, I would be crying 24/7 because i have no life." WHAT THE FUCK is that supposed to do? Is that supposed to give me some sort of epiphany? I KNOW I have friends. I KNOW I have a life. She is one that doesn't have a life. She comes home sits on the couch for hours, then when she's on the computer, she's looking for guys on online dating sites. Oh yeah, & I'm the one with no life? She's trying to find love over the fucking internet. Just because she's angry with where she is at in life doesn't mean she has to bring me down too.

What she said to me this morning hurt, it did make me cry. It's not that what she said is stuck in my head, it's just I can't even begin to believe she would respond like that to me. I'm just so glad that someone will always be there for me. I called Brent. He is also busy today with personal things & wrestling, but he is still making time for me. No, I'm not seeing him today, but he's drawing the cutest pictures and sending them to me, so I can smile. He is whom I respect.

Morse Code

In U.S. 2 CP we had to do an activity on Morse Code to figure out the inventions of the listed inventors. It was an easy wksht to do after a quiz. I never thought that Morse Code was that easy though. Just think people have been using it for decades and I don't know about you, but I believe it is fascinating. :)

2.9.09

Today was pretty interesting in Chemistry. We made Ooblecks. Ooblecks are made from cornstarch (200 ml) & water (100 ml). If want to have a colorful oobleck add a drop of dye to it. :)
When it's mixed together, it becomes hard in the pan or whatever you put it in. BUT when you scoop it out of the container, it turns to liquid. :O It kept me entertained for most of the block, haha.

First Day of 2nd Semester.

1st block is just an odd atmosphere. Mr. Castellini didn't make a lasting impression on me, he just seems like another annoying teacher. The good thing is that i have my best friend sitting with me [whom I haven't had a class with since 6th grade...]. Now that I've said this he will probably change the seats around. ha.

2nd block, Chemistry. Mr. Hughes has a motor-mouth indeed, but I am drawn in by the way he talks on and on. It makes me want to listen more. I also have a few more friends in that class.

3rd block with Mrs. Mortimer. As soon as I walked into the classroom, the energy was relaxed and humble. The only thing that bothers me is the fact that lunch ruins the focus. -.- I can't wait to get our sketch books! :)))

4th block, AP Seminar. A COMPLETE WASTE of my time. I could be taking another class in that block. ugh. I can barely concentrate on reading my book because everyone is talking which makes each person become louder. At points I can't hear myself think...

So my day was pretty awesome. :D The only downfall is that I don't see Brent in between classes as much... :(

Think: My Stream of Thoughts.

The artistic old soul thinks of new ways to concentrate. Focusing on the memories, and making them entirely too vivid. Do you remember how you felt that day? Yes, the salty tears dried instantaneously because of the warmth of the sunlight. The style of how you write is unique. It reflects you. Your thoughts, your influences, your experiences. The love he gives you is timeless or no, priceless. He means the world to you. the connection you have with a person is...oh what's the word. Anyway the connection. Young or old. Dumbfounded or wise. You can relate somehow. You could probably sit down with that person for hours about life and its purpose. This might be a rant, but these are my thoughts, and my feelings. Who else thinks this deep? Those novels feed you information. Some of it could be useless and some of it could affect the way you think or your actions. I'm in love with a boy. He makes my confidence overflow. He makes my smile too wide sometimes. His touch sends connection throughout my entire body. Our souls are very alike. I don't know how fate came to me so soon, but here it is; kissing my cheek with kindness everyday. I might be young, but I'm not too young to know what love really is. Don't question my feelings of love. I might get a tad defensive so be cautious of what you say. I am very supportive of his thoughts, decisions, and choices. What he does in his life affects me too. I love him. I'm going to try so much harder this year to focus on my art. I have to admit, I goofed off my first two years of high school in almost every class. It's time to be serious. My reality check smacked me in the face over the summer and I'm listening to it. No matter what the topic is I will focus fully. I'm finally starting to find out who I really am and I've got plenty of time to find out more...

Say It.

This place is not home.
It isn't warm and peaceful.
It doesn't prosper with beauty and adventure.
No, this place feels like a temporary lock down.
Holding me down from freedom.
Holding me back from looking out my window.
It makes me miss the stars and the brightness of the moon.
Stress and darkness find me in this place that I do not call home.
Please bring me back to the place I do call home.

Rearrange & Attach.

Ponder that thought.
Try and figure out why these times seem to be distraught.
That frown upon your face?
It only occurs when certain figures swiftly stop by.

This is happening because?
…You deserve it?
Now that can’t be right.

You make pure and ridiculous points,
Until he sweeps you away from the insanities.

Then the warmth and comfort of his words…
You can taste the happiness.
That weightless touch of his hand places a smile upon your face.
Try and figure out how his power secures your mind.
Ponder that thought.

...maybe the year when you were the most lost was the best year of your life.

My sophomore year was the worst year and the best year ever. It was the worst because of the fact that my love life was on a downhill. Now that I think about it, my friends became number one that year. I don't hang out with them that much because I always thought that getting out of my circle would give my life less drama. When I actually miss the drama, I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but it keeps your life in the surprise lane. Ha. I mean sure I jumped around ALOT from guy to guy trying to figure out what I was looking for, but all in all it was kinda fun. I'm not saying that I'm not happy with my love life now; I'm in complete love with Brent and I wouldn't change that part of my happiness. I'm just saying the experimenting was fun and/or funny. I found out a lot about myself sophomore year. For instance, what I wanted in relationships. Not just boyfriend, but friends too. I miss wandering aimlessly through my mind figuring out what will happen next. Yet now that were growing up we have to figure out our plans for the future and set it. I will definitely be searching for more excitement in the future. And you know what? High School is ending pretty quickly and I know for sure that I will look back at these times. I will look at them with happiness, depression, anger, bitterness, love, maybe even a little tear here and there. I got totally off topic but I think I've made my point with my train of thought. I will miss the past and make my future the best it can be.

It's A Realization.

The brisk winds of the changing seasons wake me up.
They help me remind myself that this is real.

Brushing your hand along the side of my cheek; it's real.
Kissing my hand and making me blush; it's real.
Looking deep into my eyes and telling me how you feel; it's real.

As the winds are passing,
As the leaves are falling,
As my hair is getting tangled,

This love that I have for you; is real.
And I will never lose that feeling.

11-11-08

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...Is True.

I haven't seen you outside of school for almost a month and it was honestly starting to make me depressed just because I couldn't see you for more than 2 hours or less in one day. Yet today when I got done my last race of the season at Delsea Regional High I was so excited to know that the next part of my day was with you. And today has just been the most relaxing day that I've had in awhile. Just being with you makes everything feel so much better. It's as if your touch numbs away every pain that is in my body. Your words make me smile and when I'm with you i cant frown or be upset. Sitting there watching comedy central, holding hands, laying down by the fire makes my day complete. I really cant explain how amazing of a person you are to me; you mean so much to me. i adore you Brent. <3 :]

The Reason for This Blog.

For some odd reason my heart beats at a ridiculous rate for this boy. There has always been something about him that makes my attention writhe for his presence. Its been two years since my mind has been set on him. The inspirations he has given me. Like these words that I'm typing. Or the poetry that I manage to make sense and put down on paper. Yet when I try to write something about him that I mean to be like the length of a book, it always turns out that I can't write more than a paragraph or two down. I can't figure out where to begin or when to end. Maybe I can't finish writing this because I know there is more to come. Why start writing about something if it isn't over yet? Maybe I feel as if this relationship won't end. Which means that no matter how much I write about the present; the future with him could be forever.

I Love You.