Part of my Soundtrack.

Close Yet Far by: CKY

And My Reasons Are...

I wonder if I'll ever get my summer work done...and if I don't I have sooo many good reasons on why it's not in my teacher's hand at that moment:

1.] One of my most recent ex boyfriends, whom I was still close to, commited suicide about 4 days after school ended. That was just THE greatest way to start off my summer. I attended his funeral about a week later. I was depressed and crying everyday until I finally got away.
2.] When I finally did get away, I went up north about 2 hours away, to the beach with my cousin, Mary. I spent about 5 days there. I had fun socializing with her friends getting my mind off of other things...
3.] Come home and a day later I go to camp in North Carolina for my church. I went there for a week in July. The greatest time ever, I didn't have time to even sit down for a second. They gave us a tight schedule which kept me busy. :]
4.] Get home and find out that one of my best friends hates me. She cursed me out, & we didn't talk for 2 weeks practically. The reason why she hates me is so stupid, but I guess I was the immature one for not wanting to solve it? I don't know anymore.
5.] It gets to the end of July, and I find out my Dad is divorcing my Mom. Just great. Don't they know I've already dealt with depression this summer? And now more stress comes on.
6.] I have most recently decided to live with my Mother. Now we're looking for somewhere else to live. I never knew that there were so many things you had to look for when buying a new house. It's unbelieveable.


You're probably wondering what I've been doing in all the inbetween time...I have been away from my house. I have been staying at my best friend's house for a couple nights then going somewhere else to stay. I have been at my cross country practice every other morning taking out my anger there. I got back in touch with someone who means so much to me, he doesn't even know, and we're talking to eachother about everything and anything. I'm just so glad i have someone out there who understands me. We can talk to eachother about mostly everything, which makes me so happy. The most I have gotten done with school work is a packet and I've read 3 chapters into the book I'm SUPPOSED to be reading. I have no idea how the hell these last couple days of my summer are going to go, but I'm hoping they go somewhat well.

I Need a Sanctuary.

Life comes at you so fast. For one second your having the time of your life, and you think to yourself that nothing can break your smile. But of course when your happy some force says, "Nope, no smiling for you!" I've lost so many things this summer I can't even think of a way for my life to get better. I'm at the lowest low I will ever experience. So much stress is on me. You know how you have to do summer projects? I haven't even started mine and school starts in less than a week for me. Too much mental drama between friends, love, death, & my parents is just making me crash. I have learned so much about life because of certain people. Wishing for everything to go back to normal isn't enough...I mean what is normal? And I know that no one out there can give me a straight answer because everyone has their own opinion or definition. So for now lets say that normal is just happiness and being comfortable with your life at a certain point. *sigh* Normal will never come back to me.

How Do I Feel?

I look at your picture and tears fall.
My feelings are shot down with negativity.
Your life is probably better off.
My eyes swell up over the thought of your voice, your touch.
Are your thoughts about me?
When you see me, do you see right through me?
I’m invisible.
I’m not happy.
My smile and expression has turned into loneliness and fear.
Why do I fear?
I fear because I am lonely.
You’re not by my side.
When I fall I fall hard because nobody is there to catch me.
My heart is burning.
My thoughts are turning.
Turning into darkness.
While my soul is falling.

Created on: 9/1/07

My Happy Place.

I close my eyes and I see his face.
Makes my heart stop.
Makes a tear drop.
People are there for me, but that’s not enough.
I open my eyes and I see your face.
Makes my heart race.
Makes my eyes pour.
People are there for me, but that’s not the cure.
I start thinking and I try to go to my happy place, but it’s not there.
He was my happy place.


Created on: 8/23/07

In the next 7 minutes of your life.

Another tear to shed.
Another drip of blood bled.
You’re numb.
Left to the world’s cruelties.
There is no hope left in you.
The mind doesn’t know what to do.
It’s hard to breathe.
Holding onto a thread
Let some unimaginable miracle happen to make this all go away.
The feeling of no one makes your heart stop for a beat.
This cycle, the repeats, the skips in the line.
All that I had is drained from my body and soul.
The pain in your eyes tells the truth inside.
Everyone can see it but you don’t care.
These events just wear you down until you have no force left.
Life becomes---blank.



Created on: 6/3/08

I Miss You.

When will the day come when I will be able to kiss you again?

When will the day come when I can say I love you and you say it back?

When will it be the same?

Will I ever hold your hand & whisper in your ear again?

When can I hug you?

When can I see you?

When will I be with you?

I’m asking you all of this because I miss you.



Created on: 8/30/07

Teardrops.

Every teardrop contains a feeling.

Every feeling contains a memory.

Every feeling and memory makes these teardrops fall.

See how you make me feel?



Created in: 2006

Next Time.

Maybe in another lifetime.
I can I love you with no problem.
A relationship with no anger and no fights.
That would be perfect.
Maybe “perfect” is in the next life.
Now my heart aches over the thought of you.
Now I melt because I can’t talk to you the same ever again.
Maybe in another lifetime it’ll be perfect.
Maybe in another lifetime there’ll be more love.
So not now, not later, next time.


Created on: 8/15/07

You...

I lose my place
When I look at your face
I think love is the case

You’re the twinkle in my eye
You’re the star in my sky
Why?

I love you more than anything in this world
You have me in your arms and heart forever
Could anything break us apart?
Never.

Whenever I'm around you I feel protected
Just think out every other girl in this world
I'm the one you selected.

You’re the best thing in my life
You’re every thought in my mind
You’re all my dreams come true

I love you.


Created on: 1/1/07

73107.

I will catch you when you fall.
I will listen when you cry.
Call my name; I’ll be there.
I’ll be your best friend or I’ll be your lover.
We can still see each other.
We can still love each other.
We can’t love each other more than friends.
Because you said the words,
“Just Friends.”


Created on: 9/1/07

Going to Miss...

I’m going to miss the feeling of your hands on my skin.
I’m going to miss the way you looked at me with those dark brown eyes.
I’m going to miss my fingers running through your soft, black hair.
I’m going to miss hearing your voice at 2 o’ clock in the morning.
Just to get straight to the point,
I’m going to miss everything about you.


Created on: 8/13/07