2006-2010

I was reminiscing on my appearance and I think even after 5 years I look the same except for my hair.

Now Now, Try Not To Cry.

You're the one who brought this upon you. You tried to hold back the tears, but they came forth anyway.

I told you that I haven't felt like myself lately, it was because things weren't finished; things weren't ending on the right note. He came out of nowhere wanting you back, you agreed to go back with him because you didn't want to lose him forever; you thought about how you didn't want to miss this chance. Well there ya go, you did it again; you could lose him forever if you don't play your cards right. You told him you need time apart, not just because you want to do whatever the fuck you want, but you got scared. At first you wanted the apartment, the full-on seriousness. Then you started to think even harder about everything and you changed your mind. You don't want the apartment, you don't want him right now. It's so hard to say that to someone's face isn't it? He questioned your love for him. You don't love him any differently, he just needs to understand, accept, and respect what you need to make things better. You and him always seemed to be a page ahead or behind each other. You've hurt each other too much. Maybe now that he knows what he wants, you'll do the same and then finally you guys will be on the same page, for good. You do want him in the future though, you can't picture yourself with anyone else when it comes to marriage and kids. It's just this time gap in your mind that you created this past summer. You need to break it down. You need to control yourself and become that "one man' type of woman. Please listen when I say this: Don't go out and sleep around or do something incredibly stupid. Stay smart about all of this. You're doing this to be free, to figure out what you really want and need. I mean when you came back from NYC you felt like a completely different person, you were more optimistic than ever before. You felt ALIVE. Now it's up to you to be able to fall and get back up on your own with no dependence on another person. It's time to become more of an individual. You don't know how long this will take. It could take 2 weeks, 3 months, or years. If it's your 10 year reunion and you've finally figured everything out and you're ready to talk to him again and something happens you have to accept that. If he shows up with a wife and she's pregnant, you obviously took too long, you missed your chance. Of course you don't expect him to wait around for you, but you and him both know that you won't be serious with anyone for a while. So for now, be happy, think about what makes you happy, start planning your life out. Hopefully sometime soon you can be together and it will last for the rest of time.

Insanity.

I always seem to have the oddest dreams. I've been going through a rough patch in my life which has caused me to not be able to sleep very well. The one night that I do get sleep though, is the night when the scariest dream happened to me. I was in a house and i couldn't get out. This house wasn't my house if I remember correctly. I was stuck in my room, and there was someone out to get me. There were two people trying to kidnap me and rape me. They had guns. They had all intentions to kill me. I took the house phone and dialed 911 and tried to hurry up and give the operator an address before the killers came back to take me away. The address I remember reading was 11 Dead something...I could feel myself while sleeping getting scared and anxious. I felt as if I was saying the wrong address to the person. I heard someone coming up the stairs, I left the phone open on the bed with the operator still on the phone. I was at the point of hyperventilating and crying, then he grabbed me by my wrists and took me away. Then I woke up sweating at 7:40AM. Needless to say I had the best sleep that I've gotten in a while, but the worst dream.