My Letter.

[8-18-09] 3:30 PM.

I fell in love with your flaws in the very beginning. The way you had missing teeth, your braces, & how you aren't that amazing at grammar. I fell in love with your short hair, and your Linkin Park t-shirts. I know we've both changed since then, but I still see that boy.
I'm sorry for the way I turned out to be. I don't understand how the second time around i was such a picky little bitch. It's too late for this realization, but I see now that i shot you down when you really needed someone to pick you up. You chose me for 7 months for me to pick you up and i failed at that mission towards the end. I know you told me a million times too. I was blinded by the assumption that I had no worries; that I would have you forever no matter what. Well I was obviously wrong. Being away from you (& making several mistakes) has made me think about other things in the world besides my music, my decisions, my likes & dislikes. I can now see the world. You kept me in line, but really it needs to be the other way around now. It's my turn to take care of myself. I have to learn to do that on my own. It's difficult without you yelling at me or telling me though. Your high spirits kept mine going up along with yours. The strength that thrives from you inspires me. You are truly an amazing person inside & out. Every little detail you've told me about about your life will stick to my memory; unforgettable.

Quote; End Quote. #4

"Serious conversations lead to tears, but the tears are a realization that you have to accept the things coming ahead."

Quote; End Quote. #3

"I need to expect the unexpected, and make sure I don't fall down in the process. I wish there was a way to have him back before I lose him to the summer winds."

Quote; End Quote. #2

"As the satin slides off her chest, it reveals the scar of her missing heart. Smothered by tears she shuffles amongst the full moon as her guided light."

Quote; End Quote. #1

"I'm holding for dear life, but it feels as if my hands keep slipping."

Sadly.

Love sucks. I've pushed the limit. I can't take it anymore. My hopes are crushed as usual. I wish i didn't have to deal with this anymore.

I'll Miss Him, But It's Time.

Rearrange & Attach.


Ponder that thought.
Try and figure out why these times seem to be distraught.
That frown upon your face?
It only occurs when certain figures swiftly stop by.


This is happening because?
…You deserve it?
Now that can’t be right.


You make pure and ridiculous points,
Until he sweeps you away from the insanities.


Then the warmth and comfort of his words…
You can taste the happiness.
That weightless touch of his hand places a smile upon your face.
Try and figure out how his power secures your mind.
Ponder that thought.


---------------------------


This Realization.


The brisk winds of the changing seasons wake me up.
They help me remind myself that this is real.


Brushing your hand along the side of my cheek; it's real.
Kissing my hand and making me blush; it's real.
Looking deep into my eyes and telling me how you feel; it's real.


As the winds are passing,
As the leaves are falling,
As my hair is getting tangled,


This love that I have for you; is real.


---------------------------


For some odd reason my heart beats at a ridiculous rate for this boy. There has always been something about him that makes my attention writhe for his presence. Its been three years since my mind has been set on him. The inspirations he has given me. Like these words that I'm typing. Or the poetry that I manage to make sense of and put down on paper. Yet when I try to write something about him that I mean to be like the length of a book, it always turns out that I can't write more than a paragraph or two down. I can't figure out where to begin or when to end. Maybe I can't finish writing this because I know there is more to come. Why start writing about something if it isn't over yet? Maybe I feel as if this relationship won't end. Which means that no matter how much I write about the present; the future with him could be forever.


you wouldn't understand, but he is my reason.

chocolate donuts & fuzzy ladybugs.

your spirit leaves my imagination running wild with things that could be. [10.25.08]

He said he loved me, that he needed space, but all he really means is that he doesn't want me anymore. He tried to say it in a nice way, but I'm still the one hurt every time. My heart is the one that is stepped on every time. My hope is the hope that is shattered EVERY TIME.

Paths of Emotion.

Before i truly meant the words that defined my future, before my soul was truly touched by an angel, before my lips were taken from their innocence, before my heart was practically obliterated, before these eyes saw the darkness of negativity, I believed in love.

I believed that love would take me away to a fantasy world, i believed that love had a barrier to protect me, i believed that love would never hurt me, i believed that love was everywhere, i believed that people used love for good and not take it for an advantage against someone, maybe it was the person,

Maybe it was the person who convinced me that love would protect me forever, maybe it was the person who swore to me that he would never hurt me, maybe it was the person who told me they would never lie to me, maybe it was the person who promised me he would love me forever unconditionally, was it you?

Memorial Day Weekend.

Definitely the best weekend if I do say so myself. To keep it short & sweet I got to spend my weekend with my boyfriend. We actually got to sleep in the same bed together. It was so perfect just waking up for three days in a row to his face, the sun shining, the wind blowing. It was just my description of perfect. Later on I found out though that my Mom wanted him to sleep in the other room, oops. Oh well, I guess she didn't say anything because she didn't feel like causing any commotion on a family trip. Anyway, Brent got along with my family great. They put him to work, haha. I also hung out with my Mom, playing cards on the front porch, rocking back in some rocking chairs.




Then on Memorial Day itself, my Grandpa put his 1915 Model T in the Englishtown Parade, like every year. And the past few years I've been involved in the parade. We would hang out in the car and hand out candy (well more like throw it). This year we were kinda behind and forgot the candy, ha. My Grandpa invited Brent to come join us as well. :) All in all it was a really relaxing weekend, and I was kinda bummed out about the fact that I had to come home. Now the after affects of this trip is being SUPER tired.

5-12-09

After school me & my friend Kylie decided to walk to my trailer. We took the trail and we played on the playground. Swung on the swings and then on the baby swings. They hurt. :( Haha. Kylie saw some geese, but she likes to call them ducks for some odd reason, i don't know...Anyway, we were chasing after them and barking at them. I know mature right?
We get to the dam that the road goes over. It's not a huge dam or anything just something small and simple. Well Kylie decides to put her books on the ledge. That was mistake number 1. With her luck a gust of wind just happened to swoosh 2 papers and her folder into the dam. Her one paper gets caught in the current and goes downstream. The folder and other paper are chilling on the pillar that supports the dam. We decide to go down to the damn and walk along the cement edge so we don't have to step on rocks. Crossing underneath the dam was very interesting, it was cement, but it was covered with at least 2 inches of algae. Reaching the stuff that fell, we come to find out that there was nothing in the folder and the worksheet was old homework. At least it was fun. :)

Signing out! :D

Sooo, today I had my AP English exam and I think I did absolutely horrendous on it. The essay questions were the hardest.

Good thing was I got to sign out early because AP testing is over.
I also handed my permission slip in to sign out after 3rd block for the rest of the year. :D
I get to walk home with Brent, like today. It's like an hour walk, but it's fun. Taking the trail through Parvin's State Park which like leads right to my house. I feel as if I've gained a privilege(obviously), but it feels like a huge amount of freedom too.

"..."

i've got holes in my socks, holes in my shoes, but i can buy new ones right? yet the holes in my heart...try and buy a new one of those.

The May Issue, Not Fun.

night of 5/1:
well it all started on friday night when i wanted someone to come to my track meet. preferably my mom or dad would have been nice. brent wasn't able to come, and i understand why he cant come, but my parents? they were "tired" & "busy." so i got my sister to come for 3 hours which made me feel better. she bought me the shirt from this years track meet and i was all happy. well, i get back to the school, no one is there to get me. not to mention it is also 10:30 at night. at first i was thinking, "okay, maybe she's running a little late or something." i keep calling the house to a total of 4 times...no answer. called her cell phone at least 3 times. then i completely forgot my purse was in my locker...i walk over to the school the fucking school was locked. i said, "fucking a!" i turn around and some of the girls are just staring at me and they go about to their waiting of rides. so then i sit on the curb just wondering what i'm going to do. everyone is gone and i call my dads "other" cell phone (the one he uses for family and most likely his whore). he doesn't answer. called his work phone and picks up.
"what do you need carlee?"
"i need a ride..."
"oh well why didn't you call my "other" phone?"
"dad, i did, you didn't answer..."
"are you sure? i have it right here in my pocket and it didn't ring..."
"yeah i'm sure, can you just pick me up from the school or not?"
"yeah yeah of course, what side?" (& the conversation ended with me telling him what side of the school i was on.)

morning/afternoon of 5/2:
i wake up around 5:30am remembering that my admission ticket for the SAT's was in my purse...which is in my locker, locked away in school. i fell back asleep until about 6:30am and got up and called my dad. i don't have a printer, & brents printer sucks...my last hope was the bus garage's printer. so my dad comes to get me and i'm trying to hurry up. my plan was to eat breakfast sometime this morning. finally i print my ticket, hurry back to my house, eat my breakfast, & brent picks me up to go to Vineland. SAT's were a dragged on 3 hours & 45 minutes. on my way home my plans with brent got scrambled but we worked them out. then me and my mom took a drive to look at houses in rich developments and make fun of how ugly they look (that is part of our "bonding"). it was fun until i saw one of the houses that a fellow classmate of mine lives in. i started to think about how it really sucks to live where i'm at right now, and how shitty my moms job is. it really depressed me that i cant have the nice things in life like a lot of people do.

night of 5/2:
this definitely helped me out. i went over to my boyfriend's house and he invited over like six of his friends to come hang out. what made it interesting was the fact that his parents weren't there in the beginning so we had freedom to do what we wanted, and that 3 of his friends were playing guitars singing to one of the guys playing. they were basically singing about how his girl is at college and he has major blue balls, haha. his friend louis stated the atmosphere of my boyfriend's house: "you know this is what it's going to be like in your apartment like 10 years from now, but you'll be making spaghetti instead of mac & cheese for us." so once his parents got home we helped out with groceries, i fed his baby brother, and we all went downstairs. it took us at least a half hour to figure out what movie to watch. we finally decided on Saw IV. it was gruesome, yet i couldn't look away. by the time that was over it was about quarter to 9 pm. everyone except brent and i went into brent's room. brent and i laid on the couch practically falling asleep. everyone left around 10:30 except me. i stayed and we watched some comedy central and ate popcorn & pop-tarts. i finally went home around 11pm. tonight made me more relaxed. i guess hanging out in this stupid trailer was getting to me. i'm glad i got to get out of it for awhile. BUT i have to get up tomorrow to go to work at 11:30am, woohoo. :p

So I...

absolutely love drawing and this is my latest effort. :)




<--- The picture I looked at.





My version.

Fam[ily] <--- NOT.

All I wanted in my life was to have a family that stuck together through thick & thin, but what did I get? I got parents who barely talked to one another and eventually that led to secrets rising to the surface. The ice broke. My heart broke. I could see the simple conclusion, but they made everything even more complicated with their thoughtless decisions. A Father shouldn't be your "friend." He should be the one not allowing you to date a boy because he has a mysterious vibe. A Mother shouldn't be so depressed. She should be out with her friends feeling like a teenager again doing the things she loves to do. Yet when you're that closed minded, you forget the things you love.

All I wanted in my life were siblings to make fun of or argue with. I wanted the experience you saw on t.v. I had a sister who moved out before I could even know she ever lived under the same roof as I. I had another sister who was basically my baby-sitter and was 12 years older than I. I had a brother whom was 4 years older than I. I barely saw him, only on weekends when he visited my Dad. He then would go back to his home with his real Mom. They are all so far away now. I see them every so often, but I wish that I could rewind time and be with all 3 of them for every holiday. If a storm scared me I could have crawled into bed with one of my sisters. Wishing for closeness is kind of out of reach now. Since we all are grown old enough to have our own lives.


I know this isn't the worst scenario of a broken family, I am not trying to be selfish. It's just my view on what I wished my family wasn't like.

My Artwork.

Well I had a deadline for my Teen Arts submission, and I made the deadline, sent my stuff in, but I didn't win anything. I put so much effort into my pieces and I changed my ideas like 24068702576 times. I took my one piece and entered it into another showcase that I could have attended today, but I'm too sick to go anywhere. Here are the two pieces I submitted:


I entered this to Teen Arts. I called it "Fish With Feet." Haha.



I entered this to both Teen Arts & the YAM Showcase. My cellphone made the lighting darker than it should be. My teacher helped me think of the name, "Face of Hope."

B.M.D. <3

I know I write about my boyfriend a lot, but I can't help it. :) This weekend he has been there for me. I came down with a stupid cold, and even though on Friday he couldn't see me...he was with me all day Saturday. He was putting cold washcloths on my forehead for me, gave me medicine, & even gave me a foot massage, haha. Today though I wrote something special for him and everyone who wants to read it:


2007


2009

Just think in 2006 you & me were two young kids that didn’t know what was coming at us. Once getting involved with each other’s hearts, we couldn’t let go. Ever since that first glimpse of the future I saw in your eyes, I’ve loved you. At first we knew nothing about one another. Sure, we made stupid mistakes in the beginning, but that’s how we grew together. And I know for a fact I made the bigger mistake in our relationship. Freshman year we went through too much to name. I didn’t start saying I love you to you until I knew that you loved me back. Actually I remember that conversation. It was on Thanksgiving when you first said, “ I Love You,” to me. My memories are so vivid; I wish I could put them into a movie for you just so you could understand. I know I hurt you; I want to make it up to you no matter what you say. Everyday of my life I will tell you I love you and how much you mean to me. In 2007 being without you was definitely the punishment I deserved. I wasn’t myself that year at all. I tried finding you in every guy I came across, but it wasn’t you. Not even close to being anything like you. In the back of my mind you sat. I heard your voice every time I was upset. I had hope that there was still some connection. Every one told me to move on. Chelsea tried helping me, but I wouldn’t give up. Without you there was a huge part of me missing. I would be happy at times, but eventually that would fade and I would need something else to distract my emptiness. That’s probably why I went out with a different guy every month sophomore year. I couldn’t make up my mind; I couldn’t find you. I thought you hated me to no end, I remember you saying you never wanted me back. I pushed those words away as far as I could to keep my hopes up. Then by the time 2008 summer came, my life was falling apart. Friends & family were slipping away and breaking apart. Summer was preoccupied with crying and wishing things never happened. I had to find some type of sanctuary. I got a hold of you. I called you on August 1st, 2008. We talked all night; I was crying that night with tears of guilt, relief, & happiness. I couldn’t sleep after that. I was too awed by the fact that I had a conversation with you, and my question of whether or not you hated me was answered. You didn’t hate me, you were just angry, and I know I was too. The first few months of junior year you were skeptical about whether or not you should be with me again. My plan was for you to fall in love with me again. I had no doubt about it; I was just waiting for you to tell me. After your boggled mind decided, on October 25th, 2008, you were mine again. In my mind though, I was always yours. Now it’s 2009, and we’ve been through so much, but we have the rest of our lives to venture through more. <3

Snow Day!

Today I went to the local highway (Rt. 55) where on the sides people sled down because of the steepness, and channel 10 news was there recording live about the "nor' easter" that hit us last night. Brent and I went to the highway and it was way too windy, so I didn't sled. I was frozen. >.< His little brother and his friends were having a blast though. I finally decided to wait in the car. Once we got back to Brent's house, his Mum mum had what she calls "snacks" ready for us. Her idea of snacks are 3 different types of cake. I had a piece of chocolate raspberry cake, jewish apple pie, & a piece of cinnamon bun cake. Mmmmm. Not to mention, 2 hours later she made dinner. She is an amazing cook though! Once Brent & I went downstairs and relaxed by the fire for awhile, we went into his room and watched t.v. My Dad then called telling me he's coming to get me. Of course I got really bummed out by the fact that I had to go home. Brent cheered me up though. We played Simon says, but with kisses. He would kiss my nose then my cheeks or my ears. I was giggling like a baby. It was so cute. :) When he got the pattern wrong I would do the "uhhhnt!" sound the game makes. Haha. When I got back home about an hour or two later, my Mom's boss calls to say, "No school tomorrow, you can sleep in." So I texted all my friends telling them the news. :D Two days in a row of no school! Now I get to see Brent tomorrow as well. The only bad thing is that they are probably moving HSPA's around, ughhh. :p

Art 3.

I have been waiting for two years to get our sketchbooks. I was always so angry as a sophomore because the seniors always got sketchbooks, but there were never "enough" for us sophomores. Ugh, well that's the past. Anyway those came in today and I was SO ecstatic! Seriously, it's like my baby. Haha. The only thing that bugged me out was the fact that I could not find my book in the pile. Once the pile was gone, my sketchbook wasn't there! Obviously, I freaked out and my teacher put my name on a new one. About 10 minutes later one of my friends found it in the back of the classroom. The block before us put the names on the books, and the person who wrote my name I guess was not considerate enough to put mine in the pile up front. -.-