2006-2010

I was reminiscing on my appearance and I think even after 5 years I look the same except for my hair.

Now Now, Try Not To Cry.

You're the one who brought this upon you. You tried to hold back the tears, but they came forth anyway.

I told you that I haven't felt like myself lately, it was because things weren't finished; things weren't ending on the right note. He came out of nowhere wanting you back, you agreed to go back with him because you didn't want to lose him forever; you thought about how you didn't want to miss this chance. Well there ya go, you did it again; you could lose him forever if you don't play your cards right. You told him you need time apart, not just because you want to do whatever the fuck you want, but you got scared. At first you wanted the apartment, the full-on seriousness. Then you started to think even harder about everything and you changed your mind. You don't want the apartment, you don't want him right now. It's so hard to say that to someone's face isn't it? He questioned your love for him. You don't love him any differently, he just needs to understand, accept, and respect what you need to make things better. You and him always seemed to be a page ahead or behind each other. You've hurt each other too much. Maybe now that he knows what he wants, you'll do the same and then finally you guys will be on the same page, for good. You do want him in the future though, you can't picture yourself with anyone else when it comes to marriage and kids. It's just this time gap in your mind that you created this past summer. You need to break it down. You need to control yourself and become that "one man' type of woman. Please listen when I say this: Don't go out and sleep around or do something incredibly stupid. Stay smart about all of this. You're doing this to be free, to figure out what you really want and need. I mean when you came back from NYC you felt like a completely different person, you were more optimistic than ever before. You felt ALIVE. Now it's up to you to be able to fall and get back up on your own with no dependence on another person. It's time to become more of an individual. You don't know how long this will take. It could take 2 weeks, 3 months, or years. If it's your 10 year reunion and you've finally figured everything out and you're ready to talk to him again and something happens you have to accept that. If he shows up with a wife and she's pregnant, you obviously took too long, you missed your chance. Of course you don't expect him to wait around for you, but you and him both know that you won't be serious with anyone for a while. So for now, be happy, think about what makes you happy, start planning your life out. Hopefully sometime soon you can be together and it will last for the rest of time.

Insanity.

I always seem to have the oddest dreams. I've been going through a rough patch in my life which has caused me to not be able to sleep very well. The one night that I do get sleep though, is the night when the scariest dream happened to me. I was in a house and i couldn't get out. This house wasn't my house if I remember correctly. I was stuck in my room, and there was someone out to get me. There were two people trying to kidnap me and rape me. They had guns. They had all intentions to kill me. I took the house phone and dialed 911 and tried to hurry up and give the operator an address before the killers came back to take me away. The address I remember reading was 11 Dead something...I could feel myself while sleeping getting scared and anxious. I felt as if I was saying the wrong address to the person. I heard someone coming up the stairs, I left the phone open on the bed with the operator still on the phone. I was at the point of hyperventilating and crying, then he grabbed me by my wrists and took me away. Then I woke up sweating at 7:40AM. Needless to say I had the best sleep that I've gotten in a while, but the worst dream.

This might be my last entry...

The mental state of the heart. I don't understand it either, but it's happening. It'll happen now & it might just go on forever. That mental state could break a barrier into my soul. *crack* Too late everyone, it's too late.

Just To Tell You, This Is NOT A Sappy, Warm-Hearted Love Poem.

I am not you and you are not me.
All of these complications arise with the summer's tide.

The cracks in my heart have come to see...
Your words still matter, but your actions have become less meaningful.
Now what does it come down to?

I'll tell you:
Who you used to be, in my eyes, is like seeing Haley's comet;
I had you for a split second and my next chance could be in another 75 years.

You and me? No.
It can't be you and me since I am not you and you are not me.


[October 2009]

My Letter.

[8-18-09] 3:30 PM.

I fell in love with your flaws in the very beginning. The way you had missing teeth, your braces, & how you aren't that amazing at grammar. I fell in love with your short hair, and your Linkin Park t-shirts. I know we've both changed since then, but I still see that boy.
I'm sorry for the way I turned out to be. I don't understand how the second time around i was such a picky little bitch. It's too late for this realization, but I see now that i shot you down when you really needed someone to pick you up. You chose me for 7 months for me to pick you up and i failed at that mission towards the end. I know you told me a million times too. I was blinded by the assumption that I had no worries; that I would have you forever no matter what. Well I was obviously wrong. Being away from you (& making several mistakes) has made me think about other things in the world besides my music, my decisions, my likes & dislikes. I can now see the world. You kept me in line, but really it needs to be the other way around now. It's my turn to take care of myself. I have to learn to do that on my own. It's difficult without you yelling at me or telling me though. Your high spirits kept mine going up along with yours. The strength that thrives from you inspires me. You are truly an amazing person inside & out. Every little detail you've told me about about your life will stick to my memory; unforgettable.

Quote; End Quote. #4

"Serious conversations lead to tears, but the tears are a realization that you have to accept the things coming ahead."

Quote; End Quote. #3

"I need to expect the unexpected, and make sure I don't fall down in the process. I wish there was a way to have him back before I lose him to the summer winds."

Quote; End Quote. #2

"As the satin slides off her chest, it reveals the scar of her missing heart. Smothered by tears she shuffles amongst the full moon as her guided light."

Quote; End Quote. #1

"I'm holding for dear life, but it feels as if my hands keep slipping."

Sadly.

Love sucks. I've pushed the limit. I can't take it anymore. My hopes are crushed as usual. I wish i didn't have to deal with this anymore.

I'll Miss Him, But It's Time.

Rearrange & Attach.


Ponder that thought.
Try and figure out why these times seem to be distraught.
That frown upon your face?
It only occurs when certain figures swiftly stop by.


This is happening because?
…You deserve it?
Now that can’t be right.


You make pure and ridiculous points,
Until he sweeps you away from the insanities.


Then the warmth and comfort of his words…
You can taste the happiness.
That weightless touch of his hand places a smile upon your face.
Try and figure out how his power secures your mind.
Ponder that thought.


---------------------------


This Realization.


The brisk winds of the changing seasons wake me up.
They help me remind myself that this is real.


Brushing your hand along the side of my cheek; it's real.
Kissing my hand and making me blush; it's real.
Looking deep into my eyes and telling me how you feel; it's real.


As the winds are passing,
As the leaves are falling,
As my hair is getting tangled,


This love that I have for you; is real.


---------------------------


For some odd reason my heart beats at a ridiculous rate for this boy. There has always been something about him that makes my attention writhe for his presence. Its been three years since my mind has been set on him. The inspirations he has given me. Like these words that I'm typing. Or the poetry that I manage to make sense of and put down on paper. Yet when I try to write something about him that I mean to be like the length of a book, it always turns out that I can't write more than a paragraph or two down. I can't figure out where to begin or when to end. Maybe I can't finish writing this because I know there is more to come. Why start writing about something if it isn't over yet? Maybe I feel as if this relationship won't end. Which means that no matter how much I write about the present; the future with him could be forever.


you wouldn't understand, but he is my reason.

chocolate donuts & fuzzy ladybugs.

your spirit leaves my imagination running wild with things that could be. [10.25.08]

He said he loved me, that he needed space, but all he really means is that he doesn't want me anymore. He tried to say it in a nice way, but I'm still the one hurt every time. My heart is the one that is stepped on every time. My hope is the hope that is shattered EVERY TIME.

Paths of Emotion.

Before i truly meant the words that defined my future, before my soul was truly touched by an angel, before my lips were taken from their innocence, before my heart was practically obliterated, before these eyes saw the darkness of negativity, I believed in love.

I believed that love would take me away to a fantasy world, i believed that love had a barrier to protect me, i believed that love would never hurt me, i believed that love was everywhere, i believed that people used love for good and not take it for an advantage against someone, maybe it was the person,

Maybe it was the person who convinced me that love would protect me forever, maybe it was the person who swore to me that he would never hurt me, maybe it was the person who told me they would never lie to me, maybe it was the person who promised me he would love me forever unconditionally, was it you?

Memorial Day Weekend.

Definitely the best weekend if I do say so myself. To keep it short & sweet I got to spend my weekend with my boyfriend. We actually got to sleep in the same bed together. It was so perfect just waking up for three days in a row to his face, the sun shining, the wind blowing. It was just my description of perfect. Later on I found out though that my Mom wanted him to sleep in the other room, oops. Oh well, I guess she didn't say anything because she didn't feel like causing any commotion on a family trip. Anyway, Brent got along with my family great. They put him to work, haha. I also hung out with my Mom, playing cards on the front porch, rocking back in some rocking chairs.




Then on Memorial Day itself, my Grandpa put his 1915 Model T in the Englishtown Parade, like every year. And the past few years I've been involved in the parade. We would hang out in the car and hand out candy (well more like throw it). This year we were kinda behind and forgot the candy, ha. My Grandpa invited Brent to come join us as well. :) All in all it was a really relaxing weekend, and I was kinda bummed out about the fact that I had to come home. Now the after affects of this trip is being SUPER tired.

5-12-09

After school me & my friend Kylie decided to walk to my trailer. We took the trail and we played on the playground. Swung on the swings and then on the baby swings. They hurt. :( Haha. Kylie saw some geese, but she likes to call them ducks for some odd reason, i don't know...Anyway, we were chasing after them and barking at them. I know mature right?
We get to the dam that the road goes over. It's not a huge dam or anything just something small and simple. Well Kylie decides to put her books on the ledge. That was mistake number 1. With her luck a gust of wind just happened to swoosh 2 papers and her folder into the dam. Her one paper gets caught in the current and goes downstream. The folder and other paper are chilling on the pillar that supports the dam. We decide to go down to the damn and walk along the cement edge so we don't have to step on rocks. Crossing underneath the dam was very interesting, it was cement, but it was covered with at least 2 inches of algae. Reaching the stuff that fell, we come to find out that there was nothing in the folder and the worksheet was old homework. At least it was fun. :)

Signing out! :D

Sooo, today I had my AP English exam and I think I did absolutely horrendous on it. The essay questions were the hardest.

Good thing was I got to sign out early because AP testing is over.
I also handed my permission slip in to sign out after 3rd block for the rest of the year. :D
I get to walk home with Brent, like today. It's like an hour walk, but it's fun. Taking the trail through Parvin's State Park which like leads right to my house. I feel as if I've gained a privilege(obviously), but it feels like a huge amount of freedom too.

"..."

i've got holes in my socks, holes in my shoes, but i can buy new ones right? yet the holes in my heart...try and buy a new one of those.

The May Issue, Not Fun.

night of 5/1:
well it all started on friday night when i wanted someone to come to my track meet. preferably my mom or dad would have been nice. brent wasn't able to come, and i understand why he cant come, but my parents? they were "tired" & "busy." so i got my sister to come for 3 hours which made me feel better. she bought me the shirt from this years track meet and i was all happy. well, i get back to the school, no one is there to get me. not to mention it is also 10:30 at night. at first i was thinking, "okay, maybe she's running a little late or something." i keep calling the house to a total of 4 times...no answer. called her cell phone at least 3 times. then i completely forgot my purse was in my locker...i walk over to the school the fucking school was locked. i said, "fucking a!" i turn around and some of the girls are just staring at me and they go about to their waiting of rides. so then i sit on the curb just wondering what i'm going to do. everyone is gone and i call my dads "other" cell phone (the one he uses for family and most likely his whore). he doesn't answer. called his work phone and picks up.
"what do you need carlee?"
"i need a ride..."
"oh well why didn't you call my "other" phone?"
"dad, i did, you didn't answer..."
"are you sure? i have it right here in my pocket and it didn't ring..."
"yeah i'm sure, can you just pick me up from the school or not?"
"yeah yeah of course, what side?" (& the conversation ended with me telling him what side of the school i was on.)

morning/afternoon of 5/2:
i wake up around 5:30am remembering that my admission ticket for the SAT's was in my purse...which is in my locker, locked away in school. i fell back asleep until about 6:30am and got up and called my dad. i don't have a printer, & brents printer sucks...my last hope was the bus garage's printer. so my dad comes to get me and i'm trying to hurry up. my plan was to eat breakfast sometime this morning. finally i print my ticket, hurry back to my house, eat my breakfast, & brent picks me up to go to Vineland. SAT's were a dragged on 3 hours & 45 minutes. on my way home my plans with brent got scrambled but we worked them out. then me and my mom took a drive to look at houses in rich developments and make fun of how ugly they look (that is part of our "bonding"). it was fun until i saw one of the houses that a fellow classmate of mine lives in. i started to think about how it really sucks to live where i'm at right now, and how shitty my moms job is. it really depressed me that i cant have the nice things in life like a lot of people do.

night of 5/2:
this definitely helped me out. i went over to my boyfriend's house and he invited over like six of his friends to come hang out. what made it interesting was the fact that his parents weren't there in the beginning so we had freedom to do what we wanted, and that 3 of his friends were playing guitars singing to one of the guys playing. they were basically singing about how his girl is at college and he has major blue balls, haha. his friend louis stated the atmosphere of my boyfriend's house: "you know this is what it's going to be like in your apartment like 10 years from now, but you'll be making spaghetti instead of mac & cheese for us." so once his parents got home we helped out with groceries, i fed his baby brother, and we all went downstairs. it took us at least a half hour to figure out what movie to watch. we finally decided on Saw IV. it was gruesome, yet i couldn't look away. by the time that was over it was about quarter to 9 pm. everyone except brent and i went into brent's room. brent and i laid on the couch practically falling asleep. everyone left around 10:30 except me. i stayed and we watched some comedy central and ate popcorn & pop-tarts. i finally went home around 11pm. tonight made me more relaxed. i guess hanging out in this stupid trailer was getting to me. i'm glad i got to get out of it for awhile. BUT i have to get up tomorrow to go to work at 11:30am, woohoo. :p

So I...

absolutely love drawing and this is my latest effort. :)




<--- The picture I looked at.





My version.